Brief synopsis for those of you who are reading this and might not know the situation:
Last summer my Uncle was diagnosed with rectal cancer.
A couple of months later, he passed away on Thanksgiving day.
1 week after that, my Dad was diagnosed with laryngeal cancer.
About a week after that, my Aunt was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma.
Since my uncle had been sick for at least a little length of time, his death I was somewhat prepared for. But that phone call I received from my Dad telling me about his own diagnosis shattered me. When he hung up the phone, I literally fell on my knees. I felt like my heart was broken. All alone in my room I begged God to do something to take it away ( I didn’t handle it very well). It took me a couple of days to be able to think about it and not cry on the spot, to be able to talk it out with my family and with God and finally get a grip on things. But from there, things didn’t really seem to get any better. When I came home for Christmas break I was told my Aunt had cancer, much more severe than my dad’s. Then some of our closest family friends went through an absolutely horrific experience. Then the doctors thought my Dad’s cancer might have spread to his lymph nodes. Then my Mom’s doctor’s thought her new kidney (one she received via transplant from her sister over a year ago) might be in rejection…let’s just say it wasn’t the most stress-free break I’ve ever had.
After all this news, I felt utterly numb. It’s scary to admit, but I was dealing with some serious spiritual warfare. I didn’t want to talk to God at all, and the only times I did was to pray for Him to “fix” everything….like He had made a mistake or something (I’m an idiot, did I ever mention that?)
Anyway, after a couple of days of ignoring Him, I finally came to terms with what I knew all along…as Jesus so simply put it..."In this world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world."
…I stand humbled. When I think of that verse, I feel instant peace. How can you not? What an absolutely amazing feeling to know that I serve a BIG God. A God who’s bigger than all my problems, a God who’s big enough to carry my burdens, and at the same time care enough about me to do that for me. He has overcome everything already, and I’m so happy He has because I definitely never deserved that much love. I’m ashamed I ever doubt.
After those days of God breaking me down and rebuilding me back up, I knew why all this had happened, the reason why everything happens: to give God glory and further His kingdom. Well, I always knew this was the reason I just had to honestly live it out through my attitude.
I try now to consider this whole thing a blessing. It’s an opportunity for my family and I to share God’s strength and peace with family and friends who don’t know Christ. It’s an opportunity for the world to look at us and (hopefully) see our faith and it be something they can’t ignore any longer. This excites me.
Don’t get me wrong, things still aren’t easy. This is the hardest thing i've ever dealt with. It hurts being across the country from my family knowing they’re in so much pain and not being able to physically do anything to help them. I wish I could take all of it upon myself. But I know that they are loved by the all-powerful God, and that’s more comforting than anything I could ever provide.
If you’re reading this now, know that this wasn’t ever meant to be a “pity post.” I’ve received lots of emails and such saying things like “I can’t believe this is happening” and “it’s just not fair” and things of that nature. And although I deeply appreciate your kindness and concerns, you shouldn’t ever feel sorry for us. There are people I know who are suffering far more grave situations than my own, and God has provided blessing after blessing after blessing to me and my family. This next part is to be read with caution: although I fully and confidently believe in my heart that my Dad and Aunt will be healed, if for some reason they’re not…if the cancer comes back…if they fall into that percentage who don’t survive, my prayer is that my attitude will remain the same. Whatever happens, I want my life to be a witness to God’s love and glory. And if you pray for me and my family, that should be your prayer.
In lighter news, I’m happy to report that my Dad has successfully completed all of his radiation treatments. (Dad, if you’re reading this, I’m SO happy and proud of you!) He’s done for now and the doctors seem positive on his prognosis, but will continue to go back for check-ups. See what I mean? Lots of blessings. Please continue to pray for his recovery and as well as my Aunt, as she's still going through chemotherapy.
For your viewing pleasure, here are a couple of pictures
Me and my Aunt Luci last summer :)
My Dad with his nurses holding his radiation mask on his "graduation day."
Here's him being goofy.
He's the greatest.
Whew, okay if you made it to the end of this post leave a comment and I’ll send you a cookie in the mail.
Beautiful post, love. And it wasnt too long at all. I'm happy that you are keeping faith through it all. I remember when my mother passed I believed for a solid year that life would never again be good enough. I mean that I felt like there would be a day when I would laugh, but in the middle of my laugh I would remember my mother was gone and then it would be depressing again.
ReplyDeleteIt's not like that anymore. I had a lot of faith that God wasn't going to let me be doomed for the rest of my life. And most importantly, time really does heal.
You know what was so interesting about that time, though, when my mom was in the hospital and my daddi TOLD me she would die; even though it was incredibly painful, I felt a *bit* of cheer that I had the confidence I could handle it. At the time, I thought something must have been sickeningly wrong with me; how could ANY part of me feel happy? But later when I matured in my faith, I realized THAT, my dear, was the cheer and confidence in Him; a little "sign" God was giving me to show me life was going to go on.
love
Steph, I can't, for a second, imagine the things your heart has been going through, but I do know that your faith is a testimony to everyone you come in contact with. I love you, Steph.
ReplyDeleteP.S. No cookie necessary lol
Thank you for sharing your heart, our dear Stephanie. We are blessed beyond measure! To God be the Glory!
ReplyDelete(I kind of expect a cookie:)
ReplyDeleteI made it and I love you and I love cookies. And I love your family. And I pray for them, and you, a lot. And God is good.
ReplyDelete<3