There's something in the water...

Seriously people, there's something fishy going on.  If you don't want cancer, stay away from me!  But in all seriousness, there's been yet another "health issue for a loved one" incident.  Warning: like the last post, this stuff is extremely personal.   It's something very real and very current.  But i'm posting it anyway.  Why you ask?

1) Because I feel God convicting me too share.  That's the whole reason I started this blog.  Yes, I intend to share lighter posts again someday soon, but alas, that's not what i'm dealing with right now.  Hopefully my life won't always be this packed with heaviness...if it is, I fear i'll lose any current readers (if there are any current readers).

2) Writing an honest account of what's going on helps me figure out how i'm feeling about it all.  It's like free therapy.

So let's just dive right in. My finace' David is a cancer survivor.  The summer before we met (when he was 16) he was diagnosed with testicular cancer.  He had surgery to fix it and has been in remission ever since.   Honestly, in the 6 years we've been dating i've never been concerned about it.  Until last week.  Last week David came up to me and told me about some health abnormalities he'd been experiencing that concerned him.  He found a lump in his chest, and he also had some pain the region where his cancer was previously.

I expressed that he should go see a doctor A.S.A.P, but overall I remained calm on the exterior.  I didn't want to make him more worried than he might already be.  A panic-y woman never helped a situation.  Later he just kind of talked it out, and I sat there listening.  David was sure that his cancer had come back...He said cancer survivors just don't get lumps and pain that turn out to be nothing.  He makes jokes about it too, because that helps him deal with the situation.  But jokes don't help me at all.  Inside I was so scared...I  AM so scared.  On a day-to-day basis I try to be positive and just assume that nothing's wrong and that he's going to be fine.  I've been trying not to think about it as we wait for more conclusive tests results from the doctors.  But when I do stop and think about it...the the hurt that comes along with the fear is crazy.

There are so many questions racing through my mind right now.  What if David has cancer again?  What if he has to go through chemotherapy or more?  How will he finish pharmacy school?  What if we have to postpone the wedding? How will I be able to stand by and watch another person I love suffer? These kind of questions, although worrisome, I feel like I can eventually manage.  Yes it would be awful if his cancer came back, and yes our life plans would have to change or be put on hold, but I can be there to support him and we will figure it out as it comes.

The real fear hits me if I think about the extreme end of the situation.  I know that it's not healthy to think about death and things of that nature, and it's definitely not something i'm focused on, but the thought has crossed my mind.  This might sound cheesy, but there's nothing I want to do more on this earth (other than serve God) than to marry David.  I want to be his wife, and start a family with him, and grow old with him...and the thought of never even having the chance to spend my life with him...well, it's debilitating.

It really kind of hit me as I was at church last Sunday.  We were singing a song that goes:

"So I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned

In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered

All I am is Yours."

To me the big question God laid on my heart was this:  Do I trust Him enough to lose the person I love the most? I need to give God all of me, and that includes David.  Wow, all I can say is that this is tough.

In conclusion, I would like to say that I in no way, shape, or form think that David is remotely close to dying.  Please don't go bombard him and think this is the last day you'll have to spend with him, he doesn't even for sure have cancer yet.  I write about these things because it helps me deal with everything that's going on in my life:  I feel like I need to at least think briefly  about how to prepare for the worst, but I always hope for the best.  You might think it's depressing, but please don't judge me.  If anything, this has helped me not take my days on this earth and my time with people for granted.  But there might be another post on that later.

For those of you praying:  Thank you! My Dad is feeling better each day, and his check ups are going well so far.  I'm so excited!  Please continue to pray for my Aunt, she has been having fainting spells and the doctors aren't exactly sure what's causing them.  And please pray for David and that we will find out soon what's going on, and that he will have positive results.

I promise the next post will be about the happiest thing ever; cupcakes.  Seriously.