The good, the bad, and the blog

Seriously people, there's something fishy going on. If you don't want cancer, stay away from me! But in all seriousness, there's been yet another "health issue for a loved one" incident. Warning: like the last post, this stuff is extremely personal. It's something very real and very current. But i'm posting it anyway. Why you ask?

1) Because I feel God convicting me too share. That's the whole reason I started this blog. Yes, I intend to share lighter posts again someday soon, but alas, that's not what i'm dealing with right now. Hopefully my life won't always be this packed with heaviness...if it is, I fear i'll lose any current readers (if there are any current readers).

2) Writing an honest account of what's going on helps me figure out how i'm feeling about it all. It's like free therapy.

So let's just dive right in. My finace' David is a cancer survivor. The summer before we met (when he was 16) he was diagnosed with testicular cancer. He had surgery to fix it and has been in remission ever since. Honestly, in the 6 years we've been dating i've never been concerned about it. Until last week. Last week David came up to me and told me about some health abnormalities he'd been experiencing that concerned him. He found a lump in his chest, and he also had some pain the region where his cancer was previously.

I expressed that he should go see a doctor A.S.A.P, but overall I remained calm on the exterior. I didn't want to make him more worried than he might already be. A panic-y woman never helped a situation. Later he just kind of talked it out, and I sat there listening. David was sure that his cancer had come back...He said cancer survivors just don't get lumps and pain that turn out to be nothing. He makes jokes about it too, because that helps him deal with the situation. But jokes don't help me at all. Inside I was so scared...I AM so scared. On a day-to-day basis I try to be positive and just assume that nothing's wrong and that he's going to be fine. I've been trying not to think about it as we wait for more conclusive tests results from the doctors. But when I do stop and think about it...the the hurt that comes along with the fear is crazy.

There are so many questions racing through my mind right now. What if David has cancer again? What if he has to go through chemotherapy or more? How will he finish pharmacy school? What if we have to postpone the wedding? How will I be able to stand by and watch another person I love suffer? These kind of questions, although worrisome, I feel like I can eventually manage. Yes it would be awful if his cancer came back, and yes our life plans would have to change or be put on hold, but I can be there to support him and we will figure it out as it comes.

The real fear hits me if I think about the extreme end of the situation. I know that it's not healthy to think about death and things of that nature, and it's definitely not something i'm focused on, but the thought has crossed my mind. This might sound cheesy, but there's nothing I want to do more on this earth (other than serve God) than to marry David. I want to be his wife, and start a family with him, and grow old with him...and the thought of never even having the chance to spend my life with him...well, it's debilitating.

It really kind of hit me as I was at church last Sunday. We were singing a song that goes:

"So I'll stand, with arms high and heart abandoned

In awe of the One who gave it all

So I'll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered

All I am is Yours."

To me the big question God laid on my heart was this: Do I trust Him enough to lose the person I love the most? I need to give God all of me, and that includes David. Wow, all I can say is that this is tough.

In conclusion, I would like to say that I in no way, shape, or form think that David is remotely close to dying. Please don't go bombard him and think this is the last day you'll have to spend with him, he doesn't even for sure have cancer yet. I write about these things because it helps me deal with everything that's going on in my life: I feel like I need to at least think briefly about how to prepare for the worst, but I always hope for the best. You might think it's depressing, but please don't judge me. If anything, this has helped me not take my days on this earth and my time with people for granted. But there might be another post on that later.

For those of you praying: Thank you! My Dad is feeling better each day, and his check ups are going well so far. I'm so excited! Please continue to pray for my Aunt, she has been having fainting spells and the doctors aren't exactly sure what's causing them. And please pray for David and that we will find out soon what's going on, and that he will have positive results.

I promise the next post will be about the happiest thing ever; cupcakes. Seriously.

Bear with me, I fear this post is going to get long really quickly, but I hope you stick it out and read the whole thing. God has really laid it on my heart to share everything.

Brief synopsis for those of you who are reading this and might not know the situation:

Last summer my Uncle was diagnosed with rectal cancer.

A couple of months later, he passed away on Thanksgiving day.

1 week after that, my Dad was diagnosed with laryngeal cancer.

About a week after that, my Aunt was diagnosed with non-Hodgkins lymphoma.

Since my uncle had been sick for at least a little length of time, his death I was somewhat prepared for. But that phone call I received from my Dad telling me about his own diagnosis shattered me. When he hung up the phone, I literally fell on my knees. I felt like my heart was broken. All alone in my room I begged God to do something to take it away ( I didn’t handle it very well). It took me a couple of days to be able to think about it and not cry on the spot, to be able to talk it out with my family and with God and finally get a grip on things. But from there, things didn’t really seem to get any better. When I came home for Christmas break I was told my Aunt had cancer, much more severe than my dad’s. Then some of our closest family friends went through an absolutely horrific experience. Then the doctors thought my Dad’s cancer might have spread to his lymph nodes. Then my Mom’s doctor’s thought her new kidney (one she received via transplant from her sister over a year ago) might be in rejection…let’s just say it wasn’t the most stress-free break I’ve ever had.

After all this news, I felt utterly numb. It’s scary to admit, but I was dealing with some serious spiritual warfare. I didn’t want to talk to God at all, and the only times I did was to pray for Him to “fix” everything….like He had made a mistake or something (I’m an idiot, did I ever mention that?)

Anyway, after a couple of days of ignoring Him, I finally came to terms with what I knew all along…as Jesus so simply put it..."In this world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world."

…I stand humbled. When I think of that verse, I feel instant peace. How can you not? What an absolutely amazing feeling to know that I serve a BIG God. A God who’s bigger than all my problems, a God who’s big enough to carry my burdens, and at the same time care enough about me to do that for me. He has overcome everything already, and I’m so happy He has because I definitely never deserved that much love. I’m ashamed I ever doubt.

After those days of God breaking me down and rebuilding me back up, I knew why all this had happened, the reason why everything happens: to give God glory and further His kingdom. Well, I always knew this was the reason I just had to honestly live it out through my attitude.

I try now to consider this whole thing a blessing. It’s an opportunity for my family and I to share God’s strength and peace with family and friends who don’t know Christ. It’s an opportunity for the world to look at us and (hopefully) see our faith and it be something they can’t ignore any longer. This excites me.

Don’t get me wrong, things still aren’t easy. This is the hardest thing i've ever dealt with. It hurts being across the country from my family knowing they’re in so much pain and not being able to physically do anything to help them. I wish I could take all of it upon myself. But I know that they are loved by the all-powerful God, and that’s more comforting than anything I could ever provide.

If you’re reading this now, know that this wasn’t ever meant to be a “pity post.” I’ve received lots of emails and such saying things like “I can’t believe this is happening” and “it’s just not fair” and things of that nature. And although I deeply appreciate your kindness and concerns, you shouldn’t ever feel sorry for us. There are people I know who are suffering far more grave situations than my own, and God has provided blessing after blessing after blessing to me and my family. This next part is to be read with caution: although I fully and confidently believe in my heart that my Dad and Aunt will be healed, if for some reason they’re not…if the cancer comes back…if they fall into that percentage who don’t survive, my prayer is that my attitude will remain the same. Whatever happens, I want my life to be a witness to God’s love and glory. And if you pray for me and my family, that should be your prayer.

In lighter news, I’m happy to report that my Dad has successfully completed all of his radiation treatments. (Dad, if you’re reading this, I’m SO happy and proud of you!) He’s done for now and the doctors seem positive on his prognosis, but will continue to go back for check-ups. See what I mean? Lots of blessings. Please continue to pray for his recovery and as well as my Aunt, as she's still going through chemotherapy.

For your viewing pleasure, here are a couple of pictures

Me and my Aunt Luci last summer :)