Loss

To be honest, times have been hard for me recently.  I miss our baby girl a lot, and so many things have been reminding me of our loss lately.  I go through most days feeling "normal," and then something will rip open the band-aid...go back to normal...rip...normal...rip.  And it still hurts every time.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever not feel this way.  Even if we are blessed with kids in the future, how can I ever get over this...over her.

I read an amazing book recently that really struck a cord with me.  I will not say the name of the book, so I don't spoil anything, but the main character unexpectedly loses his wife to cancer.  He says this about dealing with his loss...

"The pain of loss still brings tears. And I can not mask my profound disappointment that God did not answer yes to our prayers of healing. But I think He's okay with that. Christianity is not a religion, it's a relationship. And I believe that, which is why I know that when my faith was shattered and I raged against Him, He still accepted me. And even though I penciled a black mark in His column, I can be honest about it. That's what a relationship is all about.  I still can't deny the fruit of her death. And so, I release her back to God."  

I so love, and relate, to these words.  The pain is still real, and I'm still disappointed, and I shake my fist at God and still question "why."  But even with that attitude, my God never leaves me.  No matter how angry or sad or doubtful I become, He is still there.  He gently reminds me of His sovereignty, even if I can't see the whole path He has laid out for me.  But I trust that it is glorious, more than I can imagine for myself.  And I continue on each day...even with the ripping...but He's there to rescue me each time.    He is my Father, the ultimate comforter, who I can always turn to.  And I don't have to hide, I can be real with Him, which is so freeing. And I just try to learn to trust Him more each day.

I have my sonogram picture tucked away in a certain place in my Bible - on Psalm 139.  The first part is very famous, about being "fearfully and wonderfully made."  I think it's on every baby's nursery wall.  But the next part (verse 16) is what always grips my heart -

"Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."

Streaming tears happen every time I read this verse.  The Lord knew every day that our baby girl would be here with us.  I cry out because to me it didn't feel long enough.  But I also cry out in thankfulness that the Lord always had His hand in her life.  He knew every breath, every second that she would be here.  He ordained her presence, and it's not up to us how long that may be.  From the moment of creation, we have to recognize this and give our children over to the Lord.  It's a hard lesson to learn.  But i'm also thankful that she never knew life without Him.  A blessing if there ever was one.

Phone dump

The very exciting iPhone recap of what's been going on lately...

Spending time bowling (for my birthday!),

(Cute couple, bad lighting)

(Preggo Sydney also beat all of us at bowling...kinda sad)

Spending time outside,

Spending time with sweet kiddos,

(Our pastor's new adorable twins)

And of course, spending (a little) time relaxing,

(His favorite spot is UNDER the chair)

All of the rest of our time has been spent knocking out house repairs, one little project at a time.  Sorry no pictures, most of the repairs have been to our plumbing...no one wants pictures of that.  But it's exciting seeing our home slowly come together.

Sweet Summer

Our visit to North Carolina was great.  Unusually hot for the area, but still a relaxing time.  We did a lot of eating, drinking, golfing, shopping, and front porch sitting.

Our fourth of July celebration was low key.  We stopped by our new neighborhood's block party, which was filled with lots of kids on cute decorated bikes.  After that we went downtown to the river and watched the city fireworks show with friends.  I was very impressed, well done, Augusta.  This is a short clip of the fireworks lining the bridge, so it looked like a fire waterfall...pretty neat.

Happy Summer!

Coming back catch up

Hello all, thanks for putting up with the small blogging break.  With my life taking another 180 degree turn lately, i've been taking time to recuperate.  The Lord has done good things in helping heal us, and we still have many blessings to be thankful for.  Many thanks for all the prayers.

The other thing keeping us busy is we finally moved into our new house! Man, has that been exhausting.  Not only is moving yourself tiring alone, but there are several repairs that we're trying to handle/get finished.  We've had many stressful days, but it's exciting seeing it all come together.  I'll post some pictures eventually, but we have some more painting and picture hanging to do first.

On a good note, we celebrated David's 25th birthday last week.  It was a two-day event involving kayaking and a huge backyard BBQ.  And I must say, I'm pretty proud of the rib rub I made...quite tasty!  It was so fun to hang out with friends and party with them :)

On a side note, my dear friend, Heather, gave me this as a housewarming gift.  It is uhhh-mazing.  Seriously good and authentic Texan recipes.  I've already made some charro beans to die for.  Will have to share some of the goodness with y'all.

We also celebrated our 2nd anniversary this week.  What a blessing.  I couldn't imagine going through life without David.  So thankful for you, babe!

With all the craziness that's been going on lately, we have a long weekend vacation coming up soon.  We're going up to Boone for my family reunion, golf, and cool weather.  Counting down the days.

Hope y'all are having a great summer day!

Lost for words

This past week was traumatic.

trau·mat·ic/trəˈmatik/

Adjective:

disturbing or distressing.

I had an emergency sonogram.  I had an overnight stay in the ER.  I had surgery.  I had a miscarriage.

Traumatic in every aspect of my being.  Emotionally and physically.
Traumatic not just for us, but for my family and friends.

My heart is more broken than it's ever been.  I've cried more than I ever have.
We feel such loss.  We miss feeling like parents.  We miss our little one...more than words can say.

I'm sure you're wondering why I'm posting about this.  This is obviously an extremely personal matter.  People don't usually share this information.  First of all, I want everyone to know, so they aren't expecting any baby news.  Secondly, I started this blog with the intention of sharing my life...the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I feel that tough times and burdens should be shared, so that we can comfort others and be comforted by people who have gone through similar situations.

^{2 Corinthians 1: 3-4}  "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."

This is the bad and ugly.  This is the hard aches and pains of life.
But this is also where God redeems.  Somehow He is here as well.  He gives us purpose and hope.  We'll never forget, but life with move forward, and God will help us one day at a time.

We are so, so thankful for all the outpouring of support from everyone.  It is touching.
Please be praying for us.  Pray for our hearts during our grieving, and against bitterness.

(If you want to comment, I'd appreciate it if you'd please make it on here and not on facebook).