Loss

To be honest, times have been hard for me recently.  I miss our baby girl a lot, and so many things have been reminding me of our loss lately.  I go through most days feeling "normal," and then something will rip open the band-aid...go back to normal...rip...normal...rip.  And it still hurts every time.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever not feel this way.  Even if we are blessed with kids in the future, how can I ever get over this...over her.

I read an amazing book recently that really struck a cord with me.  I will not say the name of the book, so I don't spoil anything, but the main character unexpectedly loses his wife to cancer.  He says this about dealing with his loss...

"The pain of loss still brings tears. And I can not mask my profound disappointment that God did not answer yes to our prayers of healing. But I think He's okay with that. Christianity is not a religion, it's a relationship. And I believe that, which is why I know that when my faith was shattered and I raged against Him, He still accepted me. And even though I penciled a black mark in His column, I can be honest about it. That's what a relationship is all about.  I still can't deny the fruit of her death. And so, I release her back to God."  

I so love, and relate, to these words.  The pain is still real, and I'm still disappointed, and I shake my fist at God and still question "why."  But even with that attitude, my God never leaves me.  No matter how angry or sad or doubtful I become, He is still there.  He gently reminds me of His sovereignty, even if I can't see the whole path He has laid out for me.  But I trust that it is glorious, more than I can imagine for myself.  And I continue on each day...even with the ripping...but He's there to rescue me each time.    He is my Father, the ultimate comforter, who I can always turn to.  And I don't have to hide, I can be real with Him, which is so freeing. And I just try to learn to trust Him more each day.

I have my sonogram picture tucked away in a certain place in my Bible - on Psalm 139.  The first part is very famous, about being "fearfully and wonderfully made."  I think it's on every baby's nursery wall.  But the next part (verse 16) is what always grips my heart -

"Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."

Streaming tears happen every time I read this verse.  The Lord knew every day that our baby girl would be here with us.  I cry out because to me it didn't feel long enough.  But I also cry out in thankfulness that the Lord always had His hand in her life.  He knew every breath, every second that she would be here.  He ordained her presence, and it's not up to us how long that may be.  From the moment of creation, we have to recognize this and give our children over to the Lord.  It's a hard lesson to learn.  But i'm also thankful that she never knew life without Him.  A blessing if there ever was one.